Diddly Squit!
by The Last Little Kodamas
Summary: Hmmm... Well, how bout you read it to find out? Yes, I am perfectly aware the term is diddly squat, I just think diddly squit is cooler. Oh, well, it's a Red 13 fic, if ya really want to know.


Diddly Squit! 

By Teg 

Red 13 had a problem. No, it wasn't that he had to giggle like a school girl either. Red 13 had FLEAS! Fleas the most undignifying thing to have. Also extremely itchy and uncomfortable. He didn't know who to talk to, He had no idea if the others would look down on him or not. He hoped they wouldn't, but he knew that the guys prolly would. He didn't want to talk to Tifa either, she hated bugs and would prolly like, burn him or something, he had seen her holding a fly over a candle before. Yuffie just didn't seem like the brightest bulb in the box, so that left her out. That only left Cait Sith. Cloud had told him once that Cait Sith gives great advice too, so that was a plus. Red padded down to Cait's room and knocked on the door. 

"Cait Sith!" he called, "Hey Cait! You in there?!" 

Cait Sith opened his door a crack, his eyes looked tired and blood shot and he had stains all over his plush material. 

"Cait Sith, is this a bad time?" asked Red 13, "You look awful." 

"I was out a little late last night, but I'm none the worse." Cait replied, but actually he looked alot the worse. 

"Oh! Did Cid and Barret make you stay up late and watch Passions re runs with them?" 

"Yeah, howdya guess?" 

"Oh it's happened to me too." 

"Well, I'm glad it wasn't just me then." said Cait, "So? What brings you here?" 

"I...need some advice, and Cloud says you give good advice, so..?" 

"Oh! Come In! Come In! Sit down, make yourself comfortable!" responded the now cheerful Cait Sith. "Geez... I'm gonna need to start charging you guys, for the amount of advice I have to give." 

Red 13 curled up on the floor of Cait Sith's room, which was surprisingly neat for a stuffed toy's, and Cait hopped over and sat in a chair, which was reminiscent of a psychiatrist's. 

"So? What seems to be the problem?" said Cait Sith, pulling out a note pad and pen. 

"I ummm... I-I have fleas and I don't know how to get rid of them." said Red 13. 

"Oh well, that is perfectly curable, you just need to take a bath with some speciality flea shampoo, and those little suckers should be gone." 

"That's It?" asked Red 13, sure there had to be more to it than that. 

"Yup, that's it." 

"Really?" 

"Yes!" 

"Alright, if you say so." And Red 13 got up and started out the door, revealing Cid and Barret, crouched down at the keyhole. 

"CID! BARRET! What are you doing here?!" cried Red 13, extremely angry that the two people he most did not want to be spying on him, were spying on him. 

"So, ya have fleas eh?" said Barret. 

"Oh please don't tell anyone guys! It's so embarrassing!" 

Cid and Barret just looked at each other and grinned. 

"What will ya give us?" asked Cid. 

"WHAT?! This is blackmail!" sputtered Red 13, but the other two looked completely serious. 

"Either way, if you don't want anyone to know ya gotta give us something." 

"Like what?" 

"Hmmm..." said Barret, " You can be our slaves." 

"Aren't you Cloud's slave? Besides, I'm against slavery." 

"So? Slaves can have slaves." 

" That's not what I meant..." 

" We have a deal!" exclaimed Barret and they dragged Red 13 off to their room. Red 13 didn't like Cid and Barrets room, it smelled like rotten cottage cheese, and with an enhanced sense of smell, it didn't make it any better. Red 13 knew that Barret and Cid had something up their sleeves, and it was freaking him out. 

"Hurry up, what do you guys want with me?" said Red 13, itchy and irritated. 

"Well, you prolly don't want to go out and get the shampoo yourself, so we'll get it for you. But, you have to do something for us first." said Barret. 

"Oh, I can get it myself-" started Red 13, but Cid burst in. 

" Don't act so grateful Red, it's the least we can do for our new slave." 

"I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE!" shouted Red, but Cid and Barret were oblivious. 

"So," continued Barret, "You see, the actors from Passions are at the Gold Saucer today, and we want their autographs, so..?" 

"Why can't you do it yourself?" 

"We uh, kinda got kicked out of the Gold Saucer forever, cause the last time the Passions folks were there, we tried to take Timmy home with us, and uh..." said Cid, a little sheepishly. 

Red 13 shook his head. "You two have some serious problems, you know that?" 

"We can NOT go out and get this flea crap for you and tell everyone ya know!" said Cid. 

"You know what? I don't really care anym-" 

"Ok, ok, we'll forgive ya, now get out of here and get our autographs!" With that, they shoved Red 13 out of their room, and Red sighed. What had he got himself into? There was no point in going out and buying the stuff himself now, he pretty much had no choice but to go to the Gold Saucer, so he went to the garage and got out the old buggy that Dio had given them and headed off to the Gold Saucer. After a long, hard, fifteen minute journey to the Gold saucer, filled with dungeons and dragons and...ok, we'll stop there. Anyways Red 13 finally reached the Gold Saucer and took the trolley up. he didn't have to pay to get in either, because Cloud had purchased a unlimited pass and let Red 13 borrow it. He walked into the station and, unsure of where to go, looked at the map. In big bold letters it said: CAST OF PASSIONS TODAY IN THE EVENT SQUARE! GIVING OUT AUTOGRAPHS! Well, now that he knew where to go, he wasn't sure how to go about it. So he decided to wander, the perfect thing to do when you're unsure of something. Red 13 went to the Speed Square to go on the roller coaster, he figured he might as well, seeing as he was here and all. He had a blast shooting at all the blinky lights and stuff and beat the record! They gave him a bag of candy corn and Red 13 was feeling kinda gipped, when this little kid walked up to him. 

"Hey!" he said, "So ya beat the record at the Speed Square?" 

"Yeah, But all I got was a stinkin bag of candy corn! I can't even eat candy corn! I'm diabetic! You can have it if you want kid." 

"I'm no kid! But I'll take that candy corn please." said the kid, and Red 13 handed him the candy corn. 

"You're not?!" 

"No, I'm Timmy from Passions." 

"You're a DOLL! Wow! I always thought you were computer generated or something." 

Timmy looked a little mad at that, but continued crunching his popcorn. 

"Nah, soaps are too cheap for that." 

"Oh! I almost forgot! Will you sign a couple autographs for me?" said Red, pulling out some paper and a pen. 

"Ok, who should I make it out to?" 

"Cid and Barret please." 

"Cid and Barret?! They aren't here are they?!" 

"No, they aren't-" replied Red 13, but Timmy had already dashed away as fast as he could. Red 13 didn't think Cid and Barret were _that_ scary, but then again, he had to live with them, and didn't really know what it was like to be carried off by strange people either. Suddenly, Red 13 found himself surrounded by the entire cast of Passions, who looked somehow very scary and threatening. 

"Hi!" said Red 13, " Can I have an autograph?-" 

But they just glared at him. Then Timmy stepped forward and said: 

"He knows Cid and Barret! Get him!" Then they all carried Red off to their secret lair, where they locked poor Red 13 up in a cage. 

"Let me out!" Red cried but no one noticed. Then Red 13 was struck with a brilliant thought. "Guess what guys? I have FLEAS!" Everyone gasped and quickly proceeded to unlock Red 13 and they shoved him out the door. He heard the sound of frantic vacuuming, and grinned. However, he wasn't sure where he was at the moment, and he looked around. The North Crater? Is this like evil central or something? It took Red 13 two months to get home, on which many more little adventures happened, and he contracted a few more parasites, but he managed to make it home in one piece. At home, Cloud and the others threw him a big party, and everyone told him how worried they were. Well, not Cid and Barret, but they wouldn't have anyways. Red was just content to sit in the middle of it all and feel loved. After the party, when Red was in his room, putting on his Dog City pj's, Barret and Cid came in. 

"So? Do ya got them?" they asked in anticipation. 

"Give me the shampoo first." replied Red 13 and they gave him the shampoo, normally they wouldn't have, but they felt guilty. 

"Yoink!" Red 13 grabbed the shampoo and ran to the bathroom, locking the door. Cid and Barret freaked out and tried to break the door down. Then Yuffie walked by and scolded them. 

"Hey! Leave Red 13 alone! He hasn't bathed in months! And I'll bet it was all your faults too!" 

They felt really sheepish at that comment, but Yuffie was also brandishing her pinwheel, which didn't look that threatening, but they had seen her shove it up the mailman's ass one day when there was nothing for her. And so it was. Barret and Cid never did get their autographs, but Red 13 stayed bug-free. They never made Red 13 their slave either, because everyone suspected they had had something to do with his disappearance. Tifa continued to burn flies over candles and Yuffie still shoved her pinwheel up peoples asses when she was upset. And they lived kinda happily ever after. 

THE END. 

Author's Note: Yes, very weird, but I think it has it's moments. Deal with it. Please review, an unreviewed Teg is a very unhappy one. And no, I do not hate Red 13, I think he's the BEST! 

- Teg 


End file.
